Tag: marriage

My Boyfriend and the Beatitudes

This is for the ladies. What do you want in a man? What is something you refuse to compromise on? What are your must-haves and must-not-haves? Many women have been encouraged to write a list that spells out all that they’d want in a husband. I have heard stories of women who have done this and the man they married was “everything they wanted and more.” I believe this really does happen.

It’s important to note that “the list” is as individual as the person writing it. It’s specific to you, your purpose, and the man the Most High will present to you. I’ve written lists before and have found that my list changes as I get older. Some things have remained the same (8 years ago), but for the most part, it’s changed a lot. This is due in part to my coming into an understanding of who I am and what I need.

Many times, we make these lists identifying our wants, but not our needs. Don’t get me wrong, it is okay to ‘want’ something — but every desire must be qualified. Why do I want what I want? What will I do with it once I get it? Who will it help or serve?

There’s nothing wrong with identifying what you want, but don’t compromise what you need for what you want. Typically, the things we want are temporary things anyway. The things we need are things that our purpose and the very core of who we are cannot live without. ‘Needs’ won’t change — for the most part. ‘Wants’ will. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it would be of my greatest benefit to evaluate and desire a man based on something that does not change. The WORD of God.

Now, when I say WORD of God, I’m talking about Yeshua, the Messiah (many have referred to Him as Jesus–that’s a blog for another day). Although many refer to the Bible as the Word of God, it is not the WORD of God.

John 1:1, 14 says, “In the beginning was the WORD, the WORD was with God and the WORD was God. He was with God in the beginning. The WORD became flesh and dwelt among us…” See, the Bible contains words from God, but it is not the WORD of God. Moving on.

The WORD of God doesn’t change and I can be secure in who He is and who I am IN Him. Acts 17:28 says, “for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’” If we are the offspring of God, we are produced after Him — meaning, we look (and are) like Him.

So, if I have a relationship with the One who does not change (James 1:17), whom I’m created to be like (Genesis 1:26-28), it would be important to note what He celebrates and deems good — hence the purpose for this blog.

In Matthew 5, we read of one of the most powerful teachings ever taught to mankind. I’ve been hearing this since I was about 5 years old and am only now coming into deeper understanding of it. Verses 3-12 have been infamously referred to as the Beatitudes. It’s that passage in the Bible that each verse starts with, “Blessed are…”

Many of sermons have been taught on the Beatitudes. My church recently went through a study and it was mind-blowing. Before we had even studied it, I had decided to write this blog. I’m going to take a look at the first three verses and how they influence what I should look for in a relationship. (These are in no particular order — although they are numbered).

Submission to God

v. 3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Yeshua was speaking of one who is crouched low before God (humility). One who is poor in spirit does not place confidence or value in their own human authority; they recognize God’s authority as highest and truest.

So, this verse encourages me to bless (praise) what Christ has blessed (praised) — which is a man that recognizes God’s authority and governs his life according to it. A man who isn’t submitted to God is a man unprepared to lead you or himself in God’s will.

A direct result of being one who recognizes and acknowledges God’s authority is the quality of being teachable. Being teachable allows you to be ready to learn because you aren’t under the impression you know everything. If you’re under the impression you know everything, you can’t learn.

2. After God’s Own Heart

v. 4 “Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.”

Like verse 3, this verse does not mean what it would appear to mean. Yeshua would always talk in parables and His lessons would always have a deeper meaning. The revelation I received when studying this was that the one who mourns what God mourns, will be comforted (brought near).

The one whose heart breaks for what the Father’s break shall be brought near to the Father. This means, an intimate relationship with the Father results in caring about what God cares about — which in turn results in greater intimacy with the Father. A man who cultivates an intimate relationship with the Father is a student of Love (for God is Love) and will constantly be growing in the fullness of who God created him to be.

3. Humility

“Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.”

Yeshua is speaking of humility again. This ought to be no surprise to us given how much God hates pride. (1 John 2:16; Isaiah 2:10; Proverbs 11:2). “But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble (James 4:6).”

The Bible is very clear that God favors the humble and hates pride. God hates pride because it is often at the root of any sin. Pride exalts itself higher than it ought. Pride says, “I know better than God.” Pride doesn’t allow us to accept God because we will believe there’s no need to.

A man that walks humbly before God and man will walk in the favor of God. To have the favor of God means to have God’s face turned toward you in approval. “The earth is the LORD’s and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein (Psalm 24:1).”

If God approves of you, He gives you what is His. He gives you influence and authority. It may not look the way we think it would, but it’s the kind of influence and authority that can only come from God. This kind of approval (justification) comes with intimate relationship (sonship) with God. “For they will inherit the earth…” You inherit because you’re an heir, a child of God. I want to be with a man that recognizes he’s a child of the Most High and is in pursuit of what that looks like.

So, as we can see, the Bible can inform us of what God values and help us make sound decision in our relationships. Since marriage is God’s, it makes sense to seek Him about His desire for it. Some questions I’ve asked God are, “what kind of person should I marry?” “What kind of person do you want me to be in marriage?” These questions are informing me of God’s desire for me in relationships.

I hope this blog encourages you to seek God about your relationships and to trust that He knows best!

Be sensible.

Be fools.

I Thought It Was Love

Have you ever been in love? Many of us would claim we have been. Sometimes, we’re unsure. We use feelings to justify or confirm that we were in fact in love. “I just feel so happy around him!” “She makes me so giddy!” “He just makes me feel good.”

We think because “we’re so excited to be around them,” “we like the same things,” or “they’re different from anyone we’ve ever dated,” that it means we’re in love. Granted, sometimes, this is the case. However, this is not always true. Sometimes, it’s something else.

Lust.

You’ve likely already heard this. Lust does a fantastic job at masquerading as love. We often perceive our lust for someone as love for them. Lust can be defined as a very strong desire–often unquenchable. It is not wrong in and of itself to strongly desire something.

However, it’s important to qualify (verify) what we desire. We can do this by asking a couple of simple questions.

Why do I want what I want?

This is one of the easiest ways to distinguish love from lust. If you want what you want for an unhealthy reason (pride, insecurity, superiority), then you know it’s lust. Lust does nothing but consume you. Love doesn’t consume you, it blooms you and those that are in relationship with you.

What will I do once I get it?

Is your desire for selfish reasons, then you know it’s not love; for love is selfless. Are you unable to give selflessly? Do you only desire to receive without any reciprocation? This leads me to my next point.

Reciprocity.

This is likely the most common dynamic at work in relationships that seem to have love, but don’t. The only reason I have any perception of this, is because I’ve discovered this within myself.

You may have learned about reciprocity in Math class in high school. It is simply a mutual exchange of privileges. “I am this to you because you’ve been that to me.” “I’ll do this for you because you’ve that for me.” “I expect you to give this because I’ve given that.”

Disclaimer: I’m not saying you should not have standards or stay in toxic relationships. No. Instead, I am saying a relationship built on reciprocity cannot live up to its fullest potential and it is not love.

In a reciprocal relationship, I love that you did this for me, but not necessarily you. I find myself attached to what you can do, give, or be to me and not you. That’s not love. Love isn’t looking for what it can get, love has already given. It’s free. Love gives freely. For the moment love requires compensation, it’s not really love.

I thought I knew how to love. I did; and maybe I did know how to love. However, after many heart breaking experiences, I’ve been slow to love those around me in fear of getting hurt. “What if I let myself love them and they hurt me beyond repair?” To a hurting person, that is the most valid question you could ask. While our ‘what if’ scenarios hardly ever come true, you can’t help but believe that if you chose to love, you’d end up broken.

I want to encourage you to love again. I don’t mean seek a romantic relationship–but love again.

Love yourself. Love others. This will only be possible through intimate relationship with the Most High. For many of us, the reason we’re unable to love without fear is because we have a skewed perspective about God. We’ve lost our trust in Him. We’ve lost our faith in Him. We feel like He left us when we needed Him most. So, we no longer go to Him when we feel lost or broken.

Fortunately and unfortunately, He is the only One that can find us when we’re lost and mend us when we’re broken.

The thing is, God is love–the very essence of it. God doesn’t have love, He is it. God doesn’t give love, He is it. If we’d allow Him to infiltrate every area of our dark hearts, they’d beat again. God wants you to be able to love again. You haven’t lost it, it’s just hidden. Remember, love doesn’t wait to be acknowledged or recognized. It’s free.

So, even if you’re not acknowledging God in your life right now, just know that He loves you still. That is the greatest truth we can ever grasp as humans–God loves you. Don’t forget it.

Meditate on 1 Corinthians 13.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poorand give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹²For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

Be sensible. Be fools.

1 Cor. 3:18

6 Things A Relationship Won’t Heal

Here me out. While some of these things can be helped by a relationship, it(a relationship) is only a temporary fix that is likely to land you in further issue. So, before you decide to change that relationship status to ‘taken’ or ‘boo’d up,’ check out these things. You may think twice.

Loneliness

I’ve learned this in my most recent romantic relationship. A relationship will not heal ‘loneliness.’ It didn’t matter how often we spoke, how much time we spent together, or that the relationship was healthy and life-giving. I’d still find myself experiencing loneliness. This speaks to a common phrase we hear, “you can be in a crowd full of people and still feel alone.” So, having another person active in your life doesn’t guarantee you won’t feel lonely.

A relationship can only provide a band aid for the issue of loneliness. There’ll be times in which you feel the loneliness is subsiding; but that’s usually only during the moments you spend with your significant other. Once you’re alone, it all comes crashing down again.

Honestly, I’m still unpacking exactly where this weight of loneliness comes from. However, once I realized that I was lonely while still in a relationship, I ran to the Most High (GOD) and He’s been revealing and healing those areas. Now, it’s a very rare thing I experience.

Lust

Oh man. Many of us don’t want to say it. We wouldn’t say that’s largely the reason we hop into a relationship. We think that if we are committed to one person then we can somehow channel the lust into a positive energy in the relationship. One thing I’ve learned is that lust cannot be tamed, coddled, or ‘channeled.’ It can only be starved. Lust that’s starved is a lust that loses its power.

I’ve heard this said from various married folk, “whatever problems you have before marriage are the same problems you’ll have IN marriage; just multiplied!” I believe this applies to any sort of relationship. Any relationship will not make your issues magically evaporate. In fact, a life-giving God-ordained relationship will expose those issues and propel you toward purpose.

However, marriage exposes those issues in a unique way. For GOD’s purpose through marriage is to sanctify the husband and wife so that they reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church.

So, you can rest assured that if you’re struggling with lust now and you do nothing about it, you will struggle with it in a relationship.

Brokenness

To be honest, I’m hesitant on even putting this here; because I’ve seen the power of a healthy God-ordained relationship in dealing with brokenness. However, I wouldn’t say the relationship healed brokenness. Instead, it created a safe place for the areas of brokenness to be exposed and mended.

GOD often works through people to heal and provide. However, it’s HIS power and resources that make healing and provision possible. So, no relationship with any human can provide all that you need for healing. It can merely serve as a conduit for healing.

Fear

If you’re struggling with fear as a single person, fear will infiltrate your relationship. We often think that a relationship will magically heal every issue we have. It will not. The same is true with fear. The only remedy for fear is love. The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

I’ve wrestled with this passage many times; because according to it, I don’t walk in perfect love. I know I don’t walk in perfect love because I often live in fear. The two can’t coexist. The reason love and fear can’t coexist is because fear torments and punishes.

There is no pride in love. Love is humble. There is no lack in love. Love is complete. Love doesn’t keep record of wrong. Love forgives.

You can’t operate in perfect love and fear. GOD is love. There is no fear in GOD. What does God have to fear? Who does GOD have to fear?

My friend Chevon encouraged me one day concerning the verse above. She explained that perfect love will cast out fear as in it will draw it out. It will bring it to the surface and demand that it leave. It must be exposed first. An issue cannot change unless it is first exposed. An active relationship with the Most High (GOD), who is Love, will pull the curtain back on your fear and drive it out.

Low Self-Esteem

Our society informs us that if you are in a relationship, you must be of importance or value. Have you ever been single and no one was trying to get at you at all? As soon as you got in a relationship, everyone seemed to shoot their shot? No? Just me? Cool. Sometimes, people don’t desire us until it seems someone else desires us. Oftentimes, we find our worth in whether or not we’re ‘desired’ by others.

We gravitate towards relationships because of the perception we want people to have of us. We want to be seen as someone who is worthy of another’s affection.

The thing is, whether or not someone woke up this morning with you on their mind, you are worthy of love. In fact, Christ thought you were worthy of His life. No human could ever or will ever top that. Ever.

Honestly, this is something I have to keep at the forefront of my mind. I tell myself often enough, “I’m not more important or attractive because I’m in a relationship with someone.” “I’m not less attractive or important when I’m single. I have the same kind of value in either position; because I’m HIS.” To be honest, I don’t always believe this, but I know it’s true. I don’t always feel like this is true, but GOD.

Lack of Purpose

For those that desire a long-term relationship, there is a certain security we experience having found someone we desire to invest in and who wants to invest in us. Sometimes, it can feel like a release or relief from ‘singleness.’ Many of us have been waiting for what seems like an eternity to ‘find’ someone or ‘be found,’ so that our life can finally “start.”

Now, I’ve heard it said many times that some of your best days are when you find that special someone and build a life together. I believe there’s a level of truth to this. However, you ought to have some of your “best days” before you’re linked in a relationship.You can’t wait around for someone or a relationship to ascribe purpose to you.

Granted, a facet of your purpose may be revealed once you link up with someone, but it’s important we begin seeking GOD concerning our individual purpose before a relationship.

Many of us get in a relationship and the relationship becomes our purpose. If you don’t have purpose before the relationship, you may not be choosing to be with this person for the right reasons. You could be choosing to be with them because of a lack of knowledge of your purpose, a fear of being alone, brokenness, loneliness, etc. Knowing your purpose or at least a glimpse of it will help in choosing wisely and timely as to when and with whom to get into a relationship.

So be encouraged and mindful. A relationship is not and should not become your everything. The very things you’re seeking healing for, GOD will heal if you let Him.

I’m encouraged today because I’m not where I used to be. I don’t even have to focus on “not being where I should be or will be.” I just know, I’m not where I used to be. The Father is healing me from the inside out and isn’t willing to let anything go unfinished. This is a work he started and I know He’ll finish it. (Phil. 1:6)

I’m encouraged because of the relationship I have with my Father. The Most High (GOD) pursues me, placed purpose in me, and continues to transform me so that it is fulfilled. So, if you’re struggling with any of the things listed above, remember that GOD is with you. No one can ever fill all of those voids and wounds.

The only relationship that can heal all of the broken areas in you is your relationship with the Most High (GOD), your Father, if you accept Him.

*I do not own the featured photo.

The Divorce We All Need To Get

It’s over.

Serve the papers. Tell them that you can’t do this anymore. You’re not happy anymore. Truthfully, you’ve never been happy. You thought that some day, they’d bring you fulfillment; but it just hasn’t happened.

They haven’t fulfilled you because they were never meant to. They don’t have the capacity to provide what you truly need. You stay because there are times it seems you’re on the same page and they want the best for you.

Let me just tell you, they don’t want the best for you. Who am I talking about? Better yet, what am I talking about?

Opinions. Not just any opinions. The opinions of others.

There’s such a strange power in the others. They dictate so much about your life and how you view yourself because somehow you’ve been taught that what they say or believe matters. You’ve been taught to filter your decisions through the ‘what will people say’ and the ‘what will they think’ filters.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. There needs to be some consideration of others; but it’s not in the way we normally do it. We ought to care about the needs of others; not the opinions. It doesn’t mean you don’t respect the opinions of others. It means you do not allow yourself to determine your self-worth, destiny, or purpose based on the limited perspective of other people.

An opinion is just that: a limited perspective. Opinions are not truth. Your opinion is not truth. My opinion is not the truth. While you may have considered facts to form your opinion, it is not inherently truth.

One of the most unhealthy relationships we could ever get in is a relationship with the opinions of others. Some of us are married to their opinions. We’d do anything to have them favor us. We don’t make a move without first asking if it’s okay. We’re ‘one’ with them.

I’ll tell you like my pastor, Marcus Howard, tells us all the time: You’ve got to divorce yourself from the opinions of others.

With divorce, there is always tremendous pain; even if you don’t feel it right away. So, it will hurt; but it’s necessary. To divorce yourself from the opinions of others is to no longer give them “legal” right to speak into you.

Now, don’t confuse opinions and advice with each other. We all ought to have someone in our lives that gives advice and provides accountability. However, we have to be sure this person gives unbiased advice that propels us toward our purpose.

We need people in our lives that will give us advice they may not even agree with because if it’s what’s best for us. Furthermore, we need to be people that give the advice that’s best for someone even if it’s not our preference.

So, there is a time and place for someone to give advice. However, we must learn to discern and decipher what is purposeful advice or empty opinions.

Opinions are empty. They’re empty because there isn’t true life in them; because they aren’t based in truth. Most of the time our opinions are based in pride, fear, anxiety, doubt, worry, indifference, apathy, rebellion, etc. None of those things are life-giving realities.

While there may be things that are ‘true’ about a person’s opinion, no human’s opinion is in and of itself the truth. It just isn’t. It doesn’t matter how right we think we are, our opinion is not truth. The Bible says, “there’s a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). Every human believes he or she is right. Oftentimes, it is the thing that comes most naturally to us. I know it is for me.

For most of my life, I’ve considered myself to be an intelligent person. Others have concurred thus far. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’m far less concerned with viewing myself as intelligent or others seeing me that way, and more concerned about being humble regardless of what I do or do not know.

Still, most of the time, I think I’m right! I do. It’s really unfortunate. I’ve recognized this trait in myself and how naturally and instinctively it shows up in my more intimate relationships. I’d like to naturally and easily consider other people’s thoughts as valid; but I’m not entirely there yet. I’m better now than I was before; but I’ve got a long way to go.

As the verse said, “there’s a way that seems right.” The reason it seems right is because we’re looking with the wrong “eyes.” If we’d look at every situation and person the way God does, then we’d KNOW what’s right.

Funnily enough though, the way God views things is oftentimes beyond what we can fathom as humans. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

The reason we don’t see certain things the way God sees them is because we’re thinking ‘too low.’ This is the very definition of a human opinion. It’s a low thought. It’s a compromised thought. It’s a thought from dimly lit vision. It’s blind.

I heard Pastor Touré Roberts say it like this, “think the highest thought.” God’s thoughts are truth and the highest thoughts. It would behoove us to learn what God’s thoughts are and align ours with His. If we knew what God thought about us, we’d never need the opinion of another to validate us ever.

Paul writes to the church at Galatia, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

We ought to stop trying to win the approval of others when we come into relationship with Christ. There is no greater freedom that the freedom from others and yourself. You don’t have to be affected by your own opinions any more than you do the opinions of others.

Be free! Let God show you who you truly are.

There is but one opinion that matters–God’s. What does God think of you? Check these out:

John 3:16

Romans 5:8

Romans 6:23

Psalm 36:7

Psalm 86:15

Romans 8:37-39

Happy reading!

I hope this encouraged you!

Curse Words

Listen. I’m one of those people that if they cursed, it just wouldn’t sound right. You’d much rather me find alternative words. You’d just look at me in disgust. Some of us are professionals though! It could go on a resume as a technical skill. You know the ins and outs about what words to pair together and which are “appropriate” for what situation. You’ve got skills.

A lot of us didn’t know curse wasn’t spelled “cuss.” It’s okay bro. You learn something new every day.

This will not be a lesson in the art of cursing given that I am highly unqualified. We’re going to talk about curse words, but not the ones you may be thinking of. I’m referring to them as curse words because of the way we typically respond to them and the effect they have on us.

One of my favorite/most hated curse words is ‘vulnerability.’ Vulnerability is the capacity or act of being vulnerable; subject or susceptible to attack or defenseless. Ugh. I used to cringe when I would hear this word. I would respond that way because past experiences taught me to guard myself.

The last thing I want to do is open myself up for you to hurt me. When you are vulnerable, you are without shield (physical or intangible). Many see vulnerability as a trait that only comes if someone is weak. Au contraire.

Vulnerability requires strength. Vulnerability builds intimacy. Intimacy is the result of allowing someone to ‘see into you.’ Intimacy —-> ‘into me you see.’ No one can see into you if you’re fortified and guarded with no access points. Vulnerability is the vehicle by which we offer access into who we are. This promotes healing, freedom, and peace.

Integrity is another ‘curse word’ some of us are familiar with. We often equate integrity with honesty. Honesty is a part of integrity, but it’s not the same thing. A lot of us would probably claim that we’re honest people. If someone were to ask us a generally personal question, we might be willing to give them an ‘honest’ response.

We may even feel as if we’ve done our good deed for the day. However, honesty is the lowest form of integrity. It’s not that difficult to answer an uncomfortable question IF it’s actually asked of you. Most of the time, people don’t ask the right questions that would reveal the truth about what we think, have done, or have said.

To choose to reveal information without being asked is not honesty, but transparency. (I’m just cursing up a storm today!) We don’t like being encouraged to be transparent because it requires vulnerability. We resist transparency because we feel as if answering the questions asked was enough. Integrity is revealing the information even if I’m not asked for it.

If I don’t acknowledge something, I don’t and can’t grow from it.

Let’s see what God says about it. This is Yeshua talking. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,²⁴leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Let’s break it down.

If you are communing with God in any way and you are reminded that there is someone who feels as if you’ve wronged them; go be reconciled to them. Go resolve the issue so that “a harmonious relationship” is possible again.

Pastor Marcus Howard talks about the necessity of reconciliation. He defines (to the best of my remembrance) reconciliation as “the process by which harmonious relationship is restored.” Many of us think forgiveness is enough. However, if we forgive but have refuse to reconcile, it’s a sign we haven’t truly forgiven.

This process of reconciliation doesn’t allow you to wait until the offended person comes to you. It requires you to be vulnerable and engage with them. Many of us would do this, but our biggest hindrance to reconciliation is pride.

Pride tells us, “if they’ve got a problem, they should say something,” or “I’m not about to go out of my way to make them feel better.” Pride will arrest your heart and keep you prisoner in the prison of offence. It then becomes difficult to forgive because now you’re requiring forgiveness from another.

Essentially, I’m telling you that these are the kind of curse words we need in our lives. They don’t feel good. They don’t sound good. They offend our pride. They require a radical response oftentimes; but they nourish our relationships.

So be vulnerable. Be transparent. Be integral. Be reconciled.

Happy reading!

Over and out.

*I do not own the rights to or the featured photo.”

The Illusion of ‘Prince Charming’

A little too often, I read these posts about the perfect man you’ll end up with. I wince as I read them. Granted, I applaud anyone who takes on the challenge of writing their thoughts and opinions in an orderly way so that others may benefit.

However, I think some of these posts are misleading. At least they can be. A lot of them start off describing how bad the previous guy was; how he mistreated you, how he didn’t appreciate you.

The majority of the time, they don’t say anything about how you both were not in the condition to be in a healthy mutually beneficial relationship. It’s usually all his fault. We paint this very extreme picture. While that may be true for someone, it isn’t everyone’s story. Then, in stark contrast, we begin to describe what we call Prince Charming.

Prince Charming is perfect. Prince Charming will never make you feel bad about yourself. Prince Charming will never make you sad. Prince Charming is a tall drink of water. Prince Charming worships the ground you walk on. Prince Charming will never hurt you. Prince Charming will always be there for you and support everything you desire to do. Prince Charming will never leave nor forsake you.

To function in a mutually beneficial relationship you should experience some of those things to some extent. Prince Charming, the guy you end up with, should support you. He should be patient, kind, generous, and compassionate. However, Prince Charming is not meant to worship you or complete you. He’s meant to complement you. The problem is many of us women are looking for a man to make an idol of us. We’ve confused needing to be loved with needing to be worshiped. We don’t understand the kind of detriment we cause when we shift the object of a man’s worship from God to us.

To desire a man who is good to you is not inherently wrong ladies. There’s nothing wrong with Prince Charming; but he usually requires a damsel in distress. The whole premise on which Prince Charming is built is faulty. The only means by which the princess lives happily ever after is for Prince Charming to intervene.

Ladies, if you have a man in your life who seems to be Prince Charming, ask yourself these questions:

What sort of process am I in and in what kind of season do I find myself?
Would I be better off allowing him to “intervene?”
Do I expect him to rescue me from loneliness, embarrassment, or hurt?
Have I taken adequate quality time to deal with my brokenness?
Who has God said that I am?

God is doing a work in your life young lady. God will be certain it is brought to completion (Philippians 1:6). Don’t allow something good to mess up the God-thing God is doing in your life.

Happy reading!

Over and out.

Single and Ready to Mingle

So, you’re single. You know it. EVERYONE seems to know it. Your parents won’t let you forget it. All the engagement photos every two seconds on your Facebook feed won’t let you forget it.

Sometimes, our relationship status seems like the most important fact about us; as if it were telling of our value to society or in general. Sometimes, it feels like you don’t add any real value to your situation or context unless you’re in a relationship (cause hey, there’s gotta be a reason no one wants to be in a relationship with you, right?). If someone wanted to be in a relationship with you, it would mean you’re important enough, pretty enough, or ‘worth it.’

Honestly, if people weren’t so disappointed every time they heard you were single, you probably wouldn’t notice too much that you’re single.

Some of us don’t realize how single we are until we go to the movies with a group of friends and everyone is ‘boo’d up (cue Ella Mai’s song)’ while we’re all alone like Donkey from Shrek. Some of us realize how single we are around the holidays and it seems as if everyone has a special someone to spend it with, except you. Or, we have that annoying (God bless ’em) relative that’s asking or hinting, “When you gone get married? You ain’t gettin’ no younger!” (Grandma, chilllll).

It’s funny how we talk about “how” single we are as if there were degrees. (There’s levels to this).

While the opinions of others can greatly effect how we see our singleness, sometimes, we’re our greatest enemy. Before we move forward, I want to establish that singleness is not a process or season to rush out of. It’s not a holding ground, purgatory, or the DMV line. It’s an important lifelong process that we never escape, married or not. There is always work to be done within ourselves. We ought always to be seeking to grow and mirror our Father in all things.

If you’re single and thinking you’re ready to mingle, consider these things:

Do you care a considerable amount about being single that it’s sucking the fun out of it? If you find yourself constantly thinking about the fact that you’re single, your answer may be ‘yes.’
Do you have unrealistic expectations? Many of us want our significant other to ‘make us happy.’ We want them to fill every empty part of ourselves. They may very temporarily fill the empty parts of you; but beware. As they pour out, they become empty as well. That makes for a broken, unfulfilling, and unproductive relationship. Also, the reason some are willing to pour into you in that way is because there’s a codependency. They find fulfillment and identity in playing that role; because, truthfully, they’re broken too. Trying to complete you gives them purpose. Your purpose can never be found in another person. It can only be pursued alongside another person. Purpose is given by God and therefore found in God. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” God didn’t just accidentally create you; he did so with purpose. There are specific things to be done through you on this Earth.
Do you have false expectations about what you can handle? ‘Huh? What does this even mean Darveiye?’ Have you considered that you can’t handle a relationship right now? Are you in a position or have you been given the green light by God to support someone as they grow? Sometimes, we want to support someone so badly because it gives us identity and a sense of purpose. This isn’t productive in the long haul. We should foster mutually supportive relationships in our lives that help fulfill purpose, not become it. Your relationship isn’t your purpose. It’s a vehicle and resource for it. This is why we must choose wisely when we link up with someone. We have to ask, “What would I be pulling from this relationship to facilitate the fulfillment of purpose in my life?” You’re only as strong and productive as who you link yourself up with.
Have you first completely embraced being single? Some of us can’t stand to be single for very long. There’s nothing wrong with being sad after a breakup. That’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with going through a grieving process. The issue is we insert a new relationship before we can feel the pain of being alone. We invite someone’s company into our jumbled mess and hope they complete us. We hope someone sticks around long enough so that we’re never alone with our own thoughts. Therein lies the problem. Because we’re never alone, we never develop an intimacy with ourselves. We don’t learn who we are, our likes and dislikes. We simply learn who we are in relation to someone else. The relationship begins to shape your identity, character, and destiny. Hopefully, you’ve chosen well. It’s unlikely. Brokenness will distort your vision and cause you to choose for pleasure and not purpose. It will cause you to choose what you think you want and not what you need.

If your answers to these questions indicate you may not be ready to mingle, that’s okay. Sometimes, we feel like we have to be ready right now for everything we’ll ever want or have in life. This is unrealistic and places unnecessary pressure on ourselves. It’s okay to go through a process to get ready. Also, growing while you’re single, isn’t all about preparation for marriage. It’s about reaching wholeness and functioning in your purpose. If that’s your focus, being single will become so much easier!

For further study:

There’s a book I read a few months ago that has changed my life. ‘Wholeness: Winning In Life From the Inside Out’ by Touré Roberts. If you have found that you’re struggling with being single, struggling in marriage, in your career, you believe in God, you don’t believe in God, etc.; this book is for you. You can purchase it on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Wholeness-Winning-Life-Inside-Out/dp/0310351944

Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK did a series earlier this year called Relationship Goals. The first two sermons talk about singleness and it will wreck your life in the very best way. I recommend listening to the entire series. There’s something in there for everyone! Pastor Mike manages to deliver hard messages about relationships in a very honest, transparent, and fun way. It’s easy to understand and easily applicable to your current situation. Find it here: https://youtu.be/H7h5BHax06c

Until next time…

Over and out.

That Time John Boyega Proposed to Me

This is a true story. (I’ve got the receipts).

It all started on a calm brooding Tuesday in December. It was getting dark. I was at the bus station. Waiting. Patiently. I scrolled through my various feeds of my social media.

I receive a notification from Twitter. Two, to be exact. An angel sent by GOD (s/o to David @khaorisen) followed me on Twitter and @-ed (not sure if that’s how you’re supposed to write it, don’t judge me) me. By the way, I don’t know David personally. He had no reason to know John Boyega is my celebrity crush. [If for some reason you don’t know who he is, he’s a brilliant actor and stars in the recent installments of the iconic Star Wars series].

His tweet read:

I was confused because I didn’t recall tweeting anything to John Boyega. However, when I saw the title of the video link he sent, my heart dropped. Even though I didn’t remember having done anything of the sort, I knew there HAD to be some truth to it.

I began pacing as I waited for the video to load. I didn’t care AT ALL how ridiculous I must’ve looked. As the video began playing, I began repeating absurd comments to myself like, “oh my gosh,” “oh shoot,” oh dang,” “oh my God,” “oh shoot God-dang,” “this is happening” (heck, I didn’t even know what was happening)!

I walked outside as the video was playing and only got louder. I continued pacing. Half jumping. Half jogging. Burning calories. You know how it is.

Then IT happened. Yes. It. Happened. At 1:24 into the video, I saw it. My name and picture from my INSTAGRAM PROFILE POPPED UP ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN!

John’s beautiful co-star, Kelly Marie Tran(hey girl, hey!), began reading. My post read:

“I CANNOT keep scrolling every day and seeing some picture of FINNEEE picture of JOhn Boyega. It’s literally not good for my heart. I just rolled my eyes so hard. Like God, why? Why would You make such a beautiful creation as this? I’m being dramatic. Lol. But, seriously. You’re good at what you do. May God continue to bless you in ALL that you do as you remain faithful to Him. To GOD Be the Glory!”

My heart and my soul.

It’s funny really. I wrote that comment on August 8, 2017. As I was writing it, I remember thinking, “It doesn’t even matter. He’s never going to see this. Hundreds of girls post on his pictures every day. He’s not going to see your ONE comment. Just let it out!”

Man…..

I let it out alright! I added something a bit more serious at the end in the event that he did see it. I do seriously appreciate him as an actor and desire for him to do well. Therefore, I find it important to pray for celebrities you like or are drawn to. It’s not easy being in the public eye like that.

Anyway, I do remember sensing that somehow he was going to see it. I brushed off the feeling though.

‘Cause I mean, “How? How fam? How was he gonna see my one comment in a million comments?” The odds were very slim. I just HAD to be extra that day to where someone at Teen Vogue thought, “Yea, this one is great. Let’s do this one.” S/o to Teen Vogue for that by the way! Y’all real.

The story isn’t done though.

As Mr. Boyega (that’s what I like to call him) listened to my silly, rachet comment, he had a PLETHORA of facial expressions. I don’t even know how to feel about it. Neither did he, so it seems! Take a look below.

Disgust?

What is dis oh?

Oh my Gosh!

I’m a Naija boy, but I do blush from time to time.

She said that?

What???

Delight?

Yea… He looked like he had gone through the five stages of grief. The last one looks like acceptance. Just sayin’. Speaking of acceptance…

Here’s his proposal that I accepted.

His words, not mine. “I need to marry whoever that is! I am SOLD.” Me too Boyega, me too.

While this is a funny and COMPLETELY true-ish story, I did get something out of it. I was in an interesting place emotionally when David from Twitter reached out to tell me about this video. (Also, many others reached out on Instragram, Facebook, AND Twitter. Thank you guys too!)

It reminded me that oftentimes what seems impossible IS possible. What seems least likely, CAN happen. God takes care of details. God cares about the small stuff and the big stuff. He sees YOU. He never sleeps. He never leaves. He never forsakes. When we forget about the promise or give up on it, God doesn’t. Disclaimer: I’m not saying God is trying to put us together. I’m just a clown. I’m saying the chances of this happening were very slim to none. & I’m grateful it did happen! It made me smile on a not so great day.

Granted, there is nothing inherently spiritual about this situation, but it reminded me of how small I am and how big God is.

Oh and here’s the kicker. I wore my Chewbacca shirt to work that day!

I hope you enjoyed this story! If for some reason you need more evidence or just want to watch the video; in the words of Bruno Mars, “don’t believe me, just watch.”

Be sure to check out my most recent posts:

What a Broken Heart Will Heal: https://sensiblefoolblog.wordpress.com/2018/03/01/what-a-broken-heart-will-heal/

Ctrl, Alt, Del: https://sensiblefoolblog.wordpress.com/2018/03/05/ctrl-alt-del/

Happy reading!

See you next time!

Over & out.