Darveiye

What a Broken Heart Will Heal

“I’d begun to believe God wasn’t good because something that wasn’t good was happening to me. I began to believe God owed me some sort of compensation for the pain He allowed me to go through or the pain He led me TO.”

This is perhaps my most vulnerable post yet. I typically avoid being publicly vulnerable for various reasons. I’d much rather show people the finished product and talk about the pain as a thing of the past. I will refrain from that today.

I’m going through something right now. Don’t get me wrong. Everything is pretty good. I’M going through something in ME. I’m being exposed to the beautiful and disgusting parts of who I am. I’ve never been this honest with myself about the messed up parts of me as I have in the last three years. This is so disruptive for someone who many thought was ideal to emulate and strived to be PERFECT all the time.

One deeply seeded issue I’ve discovered about myself is that I truly need an overhaul on my perception of God. I’ve gone through a lot of heartache and pain over the last 7+ years. The heartaches and heartbreaks seemed to come one after another. They were not all related to relationships, though some were.

In the process of healing from or suppressing these situations, I’d begun to believe God wasn’t good because something that wasn’t good was happening to me. I began to believe God owed me some sort of compensation for the pain He allowed me to go through or the pain He led me TO. Many believe because God is good that He’d never intentionally lead you to go through some painful experiences. Personally, I don’t believe this. It’s difficult theology to grapple with, but I believe that.

One verse in the Bible that supports this idea that God’s will for us may involve pain in order to reach purpose is Hebrews 5:8. It says, “Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” Additionally, we understand that Jesus was aware that He’d have to intentionally go to an environment in which He’d have suffer. “From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. (Matt. 16:21).”

Disclaimer: While I believe God allows AND leads us to go through painful experiences, this does not mean all pain is caused by God for the sake of His purpose for us. I do believe ALL pain CAN BE USED for the fulfillment of your purpose. So, be encouraged.

The reason I’m writing this blog is to be honest. I want to be honest about the fact that we will go through hard things, things we don’t think we’ll make it through. I’m writing to encourage someone who has experienced something that was/is painful.

There is good that comes from a broken heart. There is life that comes from a broken heart. There is healing that only comes once your heart has been broken. Many would say, “I wouldn’t need healing if I’d never been broken.” Touché. You also wouldn’t know God’s a healer if your heart had never been broken.

Truthfully, you’ll never really know God for who He truly is unless you go through some things.

I don’t want anyone who reads this to receive this as some mastered point of view of life after pain or some obligatory encouragement. I’m still healing from things and discovering that which I’ve yet to heal from.

I have found myself saying, “I don’t want to go through any more pain. I’m tired of good things coming into my life and leaving no sooner than they came. I’m tired of heartache.” These are my exact words from an entry in my journal. I’m extremely pensive today as I have been reflecting on this sentiment. In the process of me thinking about my relationship with pain and my desire to be healed, I realized that there were more things I’ve healed from than I thought. I’m much more whole than I realized. I’m more complete than I thought. There have been small and big victories along the way that I never celebrated or thanked God for.

Some important nuggets to take away from this post:

God will honor your desire to be healed and whole. He may not do it the way you’d like Him to, but He’s at work.
God is good even when life around you is not.
God doesn’t owe you for the pain you’ve suffered, but He’ll restore anyway. For He is good.
“One of the best gifts God could ever give you is a hard life.” –Young Noah
God is good AND just. He’s more concerned about your healing, wholeness, and holiness than you ever will be.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are your ways my ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

I have not yet mastered all that is presented in this post. I’m still meditating on it and figuring out how to be consistent in my application of it to my life. If you’d like to talk about anything you’re going through, please message me on Facebook or comment on this post.

*I do not own the rights to the featured picture.

I’m Frustrated…

I’m frustrated with where I am. It’s not particularly bad, but it’s not exactly where I want to be (not just in the future, but at this point in my life). Sometimes I wish I could snap my finger and be there. But, it doesn’t work that way. Some things have to happen between now and then. It’s a process.

“The process”

I think subconsciously, most of us hate this phrase. Our disdain for it speaks to the reality of our impatience and laziness as a society. We want everything NOW. Very rarely are we willing to work/wait for ANYTHING. This is evidenced in the inclination towards convenience (fast food, crash diets, express everything, etc.).

Somehow, in our convenience-oriented culture, very significant virtues have gone right down the drain; our patience, integrity, & authenticity following right along with them.

[I say this with the very same breath that utters words of frustration when McDonald’s doesn’t come through as quickly as I’d like. Like dude, chill. It’s fast food. Even when they’re slow, they’re faster than most. So relax.]

Now, there’s nothing wrong with desiring quality and punctuality. The issue is we forget that oftentimes, quality requires ‘process.’ I started this blog to encourage people to embrace the part of the process they find themselves in. Embrace it. Not so tightly that you declare it your final resting place; but tight enough to where you allow humility, grace, and contentment to be built in you for use in the seasons to come.

Like me, I’m sure some of you are at interesting checkpoints in your process. Every situation has the ability to draw on what’s in you and expose the condition of your heart. So don’t despise any part of the process. There are things you are walking through now that are helping to get rid of negativity in you that cannot stay where you will be later.

Remember, God has a plan. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. The sooner you get used to adhering to His, the more peace you will have at any stage of your process. Remember, success is not some far away thing to achieve when everyone is lined up to notice and give you shout-outs. Success comes in how we live our everyday life. Success is now.

Additionally, success looks different for everyone. It doesn’t always include a stage or a ridiculously enlarged bank account, or global notoriety. To live someone else’s version of success is not success at all. For it is failure to complete YOUR purpose.
But, I understand. There is always pressure to achieve a certain type of success. But don’t let the pressure of people’s opinions cause you to despise where you are now. Be humble. Embrace the process. Treasure the success you achieve every day. Walk uprightly. For it is not truly success unless God declares it is.

Happy reading!

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Why I Started A Blog

The following is what I was going to write as my first blog post. My computer crashed and I lost access to all of my blog posts. Since then, I have changed the name to “sensible fool.” However, I believe the following still embodies the purpose of this blog. So read on. Por favor.

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So…I’m starting a blog. It’s been a long time coming, but I wanted to wait until I was certain I was doing it for the right reason and that it would be ultimately beneficial in the lives of my future readers. I’m aware many people are not surprised by my move to this. “Darveiye, you have so much to say, you should start a blog!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone say that…

I’d have three dollas and some change (at least 27 cents).

Needless to say, I never thought having a lot to say was a good enough reason to start a blog. One. Some things are better left unsaid. Two. It can cause a person to believe they are the final authority on certain issues. Three. It’s ultimately self-destructive to think of yourself that way; which leads me to the purpose for this blog. I’m sure you caught the bi-line.

“Introspection per His direction…”

But whatever does it mean? Introspection, in essence, is the practice of self-observation. ‘His’ or ‘Him’ is God; thereby meaning God is the very lens by which we look within ourselves. Additionally, we adjust ourselves according to what He says and He requires. Secondly:

Raising the standard.

I have found, as have many of you, if we continue to do the same things over and over again, we remain exactly where we started. There are things to be done in this world that have never been done and we will never get them done doing the same thing over and over. Ask Einstein.

Given my track record, one or more of these blog posts will offend you. Heck, I offend myself as I’m writing them. But that’s not always a bad thing. If we’re never offended, we’re never challenged to grow. And if we’re never challenged to grow, we won’t change. And if we don’t change, the world around us remains the same. And by the looks of it, that’s not really an option.

So yes. I’m starting a blog and it’s about each and every one of us. The purpose is to challenge us all to inspect and adjust ourselves before we attempt to do the same to others. History shows us that real change happens when the faces in the mirror are changed first! But remember, this isn’t about becoming ‘good’ people. The world has enough of those. There’s good in all of us. But good isn’t always God even though God is always good.

So let’s be introspective. But let’s not leave out the second half. It’s for us to live the way He says we should. So we seek Him.

I hope you enjoy reading as we journey together as sensible fools in a senseless world.

Thanks for reading!

Be blessed.

Over and Out.

I’m Not a Christian Pt. 2

Let’s dive in. Shall we?

In Part 1, we discussed the fact that religion has the tendency to focus on outward appearance. “Just follow the rules,” “do the right thing,” “do this,” “say that,” etc. It does not address the inner to outer transformation mandated and desired by God (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Another Problem With Religion:

Religion requires no intimacy and therefore offers no true change. Let me explain.

Religion, generally defined, is a specific set of beliefs and practices concerning purpose for life and deals with the idea of a supreme being or the lack thereof and its (or theirs) relation with humanity. We could add to this definition that religion includes certain rules, regulations, and traditions to be followed.

My fellow “Christianers (check Pt. 1 for definition)” know these all too well. We measure our success and holiness by our ability to “follow the rules” and “look the part.”

This is a problem.

For argument’s sake, let’s say there are indeed a set of rules and traditions to which we are to adhere and God, the Rule Maker, gave us these rules by which to abide. And let’s say adherence to these rules is the means by which we are considered holy.

The Rule Maker’s ONLY requirement would be for you to obey the rules. He wouldn’t need to KNOW you. It wouldn’t matter that you knew Him, but that you knew the rules and followed them. Fortunately, the very premise on which God and man’s relationship is built is the idea of an ongoing, everlasting intimacy. If our relationship with God never extends beyond a set of rules, we’ve missed out on the greatest treasure of knowing HIM. THIS is where true transformation is found.

What if I told you there are no rules?

We understand laws, theories, and rules of this life based upon what we can measure (science). We have a need to understand existence & our limitations. So we call them laws, boundaries, etc. Many would say we have an unconscious understanding of what “ought not to be” and what “should be,” right and wrong, etc. What if I told you God never set any laws?

C.S. Lewis said,

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust (Mere Christianity)?”

We understand ‘do not murder,’ ‘do not steal,’ and ‘do not cheat’ to be laws of some sort. Whether or not we attribute God as the author of these boundaries is in fact important. However, HOW we understand God to be the author may need some adjusting.

God encapsulates every idea of what is right, just, and holy. There are no laws. There is simply God. There is simply His nature. Who He is dictates what “ought to be.” He does not need anyone’s permission or power to exist. He just IS.

The universe and all life in it is simply governed by and according to His nature. God is the very precept for everything ever created and that will ever exist. Any attempt of substitution for relationship with Him is counterfeit, unnatural, and empty.

This is why religion doesn’t WORK! Religion seeks to follow rules for the sake of reaching holiness. “If I’d just do this, then I’ll be alright.” “If I don’t do that, then I’m okay.” Becoming intimate and familiar with GOD is how one reaches holiness. For God’s nature is the boundaries in which we should exist!

How can you say this?

It’s simple really.

If you were an actor hired to play the role of Michael Jackson (I’m a big fan); how would you approach personifying this legend? Would you find it sufficient to have a set of rules to study from with a list of “don’t do this,” and don’t do that?” Would you prefer to have dialogue with him, review his videos, listen to his voice, talk to his fans, and study his mannerisms? My guess is many would choose the latter. No set of rules are going to give you the proper perspective about who Michael Jackson was and his ongoing impact on the world. Rules will not give you the necessary direction.

This universal law, this unconscious understanding of right and wrong, this common nature with God, has historical origins. ”Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…so God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it (Genesis 1:26a, 27, 28a).”

God created us in HIS image according to HIS nature so that we would know what ‘ought to be’ and what ‘ought not to be.’ If we seek Him, we will find everything we could EVER need. If we seek to KNOW Him, we fulfill the ultimate purpose for our existence.

I leave you with this.

“I think all Christians would agree with me if I said that though Christianity seems at first to be all about morality, all about duties, and rules, and guilt and virtue, yet it leads you on, out of all that, into something beyond. One has a glimpse of a country where they do not talk of those things, except perhaps as a joke. Everyone there is filled full with what we should call GOODNESS as a mirror is filled with light. But they do not call it anything. They are not thinking of it. They are too busy looking at the SOURCE from which it comes (Mere Christianity).”

God IS goodness.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and it has encouraged you!

Please like, comment, and share! I look forward to hearing from many of you!

Over and Out!

Note: I do not own rights to the featured picture.

I’m Not a Christian Pt. 1

Religion, generally defined, is a specific set of beliefs and practices concerning purpose for life and deals with the idea of a supreme being or the lack thereof and its (or theirs) relation with humanity. You can examine any major or minor religion against this general definition and you’d find they line up in some fashion. Today, I’m specifically examining Christianity and its “religioners (did I just invent a word).”

There are so many traditions and fads of the Christian faith by which Christians measure the sanctity of one’s lifestyle. Does he go to church? Does he raise his hands in worship? Does she carry her Bible? Does she dress up for church? (People really consider this) The list goes onnnnnn.

We don’t simply verify one’s ‘holiness’ by what they do (go to church, carry Bible, say they’re a Christian, etc), but by what they DON’T do. “He doesn’t smoke,” “She doesn’t curse,” “We’re not as bad as so-and-so,” and many others are common phrases we hear Christianers using to justify one’s “Christian” lifestyle.

The Problem With Religion

The issue with “Christianers” is our tendency to deal with the outer appearance and oftentimes this solely. Our adherence to the specific rules and regulations of the Christian faith allow us to APPEAR holy before man.

Additionally, the struggle for Christianers is this tendency to try to Christianize the world instead of evangelize it (Matt. 28:19-20). We are so sensitive and uncomfortable around anything that’s not “Christian-like.” I’d venture to say we don’t often differentiate between what is “God-like” and “Christian-like.” This is a sad thing.

What’s so wrong with being a Christian(er)?

A “Christianer” (I’m making words up left and right) is one who believes Christianity is the Way.

Well, Darveiye I thought Christianity is the true religion, the right religion, God’s religion. Are you saying you believe Jesus isn’t the way?

No. I am not.

What I am saying is God did not create religion. Man created religion. It is the way by which we can comprehend and measure faith-based things in real time. God did NOT come to earth in flesh as Jesus so He could establish the TRUE religion. Jesus didn’t die so you could pick up a religion and wear it like a badge of honor. Jesus died so that the kingdom of heaven could be established in the hearts of man (Luke 17:20-21)! The kingdom of heaven is the RULE and REIGN of God. Jesus died that the very culture INSIDE of us would transform and return back to what God originally intended! This is why religion DOESN’T work! It focuses on how you can look holy, and “do” holy, and not BE holy ( 2 Cor. 5:21). It’s like putting flowers on a coffin. At the end of the day, the body is still dead even if the casket looks beautiful.

The truth is, the reason we are so attached to the words Christian and Christianity is because we don’t understand why God came or what He did. We don’t know because we don’t seek Him and would rather measure holiness, purity, truth against other seekers and not the one who ORIGINATED it. Simply: we measure our righteousness against the righteousness of other “Christians.” The problem with this is I never truly have a full picture of another’s righteousness. Therefore, they are not a worthy or accurate standard by which to measure my life. Thankfully, I’ve been given THE standard of TRUTH by which to measure my life. Hint: Jesus.

There’s no need to compare my works to my sister at the end of the pew when I’ve been given Christ by which to measure my heart AND therefore my works. Humans are not holy apart from God. So why use a flawed individual to determine how holy or NOT holy you are? It’s a moot cause.

If people are my only standard for holiness, I’m in trouble. Let’s take it a step further. If I am the only standard for holiness, I am in a WORLD of trouble. If all I can meditate on is how much more holy I am than others and how “if only they could live like me,” I’m in for a rude awakening. My sole ministry is to reconcile people to God (2 Cor. 5:11-21), not people to me. My life should witness unto who Jesus is (Acts 1:8). I am a deflector and reflector. I cannot be this if I don’t spend time learning and knowing who this Jesus is.

Remember, God didn’t send Jesus to give you the “right” religion, but that you could “become the righteousness of God in Him(Christ).” Holiness is not about what people see you do, what they think you are, but who God has said that you are and will be. You ARE the righteousness of God in Christ JESUS!

Scriptures to Study:

2 Corinthian 5:21

²¹For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

Luke 17:20-21

²⁰Now when He was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; ²¹nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’^[a]For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.”

Acts 1:8

⁸But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me^[a] in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.

John 3:16

¹⁶For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

I hope you enjoyed reading and are encouraged by this post!

Please comment below with questions, comments, requests, etc!

Thank you for reading!

Note: I do not own rights to the featured photo.

3 Reasons We Hate Being Single

It’s about that time. We see it almost every day. Log into Facebook and you’re bound to see it SOMEWHERE on your timeline. “So-and-so is in a relationship with So-and-so.” Sometimes you catch yourself thinking ‘how could THEY possibly be in a relationship’ and not you. I mean, “I’m good looking right? I’m funny too! I’m smart!”

It’s no secret you want to be in a relationship. You probably feel you DESERVE to be in one. Maybe you do. But before you take that plunge, let’s examine why you’re having a hard time being single.

As I tell people all the time, a lot of the time, it’s not about WHAT you feel but WHY you feel it. Here are some reasons you may hate being single and shouldn’t.

You hate being alone.

I don’t know about you, but many of my friends have expressed this sentiment. While I am more than okay with being “alone” physically, I feel the effects from time to time. Aside from the fact that many of us are extroverts(people who get energy from being around people), we hate being alone because we don’t trust ourselves with our own thoughts. Being alone requires us to deal with our issues. The issues aren’t always deep. Even the small ones can seem like a drag to deal with. We want someone to help distract us from it all.

What you need to do: Practice being alone and content. Be honest with yourself about YOU. Deal with those issues. Being in a relationship will not magically make them disappear. It will only amplify them. Deal with it now.

You focus on what you don’t have.

Have you ever uttered, “at least you have someone.” I know I have. We place romantic relationships on such a ridiculously high pedestal. What we’re really saying is, “nothing in your life is really THAT bad, because you have someone.” This is far more insensitive and naïve than we realize. We forget what being in a relationship requires of us and what singleness allows. A relationship is a priority and requires WORK. Singleness requires work, but of a different kind.

If you can’t think of any good things afforded through singleness, allow me to assist you. When you are single, you have freedom to come and go as you please. You (mostly) have only your issues to navigate through. There is even an emotional freedom. You don’t have someone else’s actions dictating your emotions. THAT’S freedom. These are just a few of the things being single allows. There are many more and I’m sure if you thought about it, you’d find many more.

Unfortunately, we approach singleness as a “purgatory” before we reach our eternal destination. It’s no wonder any of us can truly enjoy our singleness. We’re always WAITING for life to begin as though life cannot be found before or outside of marriage (relationships). This leads me to my final reason.

You’re not whole.

There is no reason to be ashamed of the past and the baggage you may have picked up in the process. We’ve all got a story. However, please understand, until you are WHOLE, you are not much good to anyone.

Wholeness is a condition in which one is healthily self-sufficient and uses relationships properly for their good and the good of others. Many of us know we’re not whole. Instead of going through the tough process of searching our hearts for fears, doubts, anxieties, trust issues, we look to another to fill in gaps created from previous hurts.

Why is this a problem? It’s a simple principle.

50% plus 50% equals 0%.

How can this be Darveiye? What type of math are you working with? According to relationship math, that’s how it works.

If you and the person you are with are not whole (i.e. 50%), one person has to be completely poured out in order for the other to reach 100%. You’re only as good as your weakest link. The person who has to pour EVERYTHING out for the sake of the other will develop animosities, false identity, and neglect self-care. This will ultimately ruin the relationship or allow the two of you to maintain a dysfunctional relationship. Either way, it’s ‘no bueno’ from here.

What’s the right math? 100% plus 100% equals 100%.

If both of you have reached a state of wholeness, you can properly assist each other in improving and fulfilling your individual and collective purposes.

REMEDY: Wait. Be whole. However, take the proper steps in figuring out how you can be a healthy individual WITH or WITHOUT a relationship. Singleness isn’t a punishment, but a gift. An opportunity to blossom and KNOW yourself! We don’t know how much of a blessing that is until we watch our identity slowly slipping away into the hands of a relationship. So enjoy where you are now for however long you’re there!

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and I hope it helps!

49

Dear 49,

Today, I went to one of many church services. Today, you went to your last.

Today, I worshipped God in peace. Today, you entered eternal peace.

Today, I didn’t fear for my life. Today, you have nothing left to fear.

Today, I had no threats made to my life for my worship of a holy God. Today, you worshipped a holy God DESPITE the threat to your life.

Today, I lazily worshipped God.

Today, you gave your all.

My heart doesn’t mourn for your deaths as usual. For I know there is HOPE. There is more beyond this life. Beyond that, I don’t mourn for your deaths as much as I mourn for the rest of us who are still alive.

I mourn for others like myself who are lax in our walk with Christ having never experienced persecution to the point of death.

I mourn because I struggle to follow God without a threat to my life.

I mourn because not enough of us know what’s happening there and other places in the world.

I mourn because we’ve got it too easy.

I mourn because I’m not sure we’ve got the courage you possessed.

Nevertheless, in the midst of the pain, I praise God for the lives you’ve lived. I praise God for the trails you’ve blazed for those coming behind you. I praise God because I’m certain you all prayed for the rest of us to KNOW Him. I praise God for the high honor of dying for His name. I praise God because you have run the race and have laid hold of the prize.

Rest well my brothers and sisters.

‘Til we meet.

This is to the 49 men and women who lost their lives in church bombings

in Egypt on Palm Sunday. http://www.cnn.com/2017/04/09/middleeast/egypt-church-explosion/

The Danger of Dignity

Dignity: the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed; high rank, office, or position; a legal title of nobility or honor.

There is something so dangerous about dignity. If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard this word used a few times for certain situations. When someone is in danger of being excessively embarrassed or ridiculed, we say, “Let her keep her dignity.” In romantic relationships where the woman is making more money, she’s encouraged not to rub it in his face or announce it to others; for the sake of him “keeping his dignity.”

Please don’t misunderstand me. Those are simply examples of when this phrase is used. I am not for embarrassing or ridiculing someone.

I have come to learn dignity is quite stifling. We’ve all subconsciously created molds that exemplify ‘dignity’ to us; he who is independent, educated, and, successful. We tend to treat these sorts of people with greater respect and care; because they’re “worthy, of high rank, honorable.” Those are great things right? Maybe.

Granted, there is nothing wrong with being independent, educated, or successful.

What if I am not independent, educated, or successful? What if I don’t own a home or car? What if I’m not the sharpest, fastest, or brightest? What if I’m still in sin? What if I’m not popular or well liked? What if I’m homeless and jobless? What if I have a mental illness? What if I’m not confident, well-versed, or charismatic? Am I not “worthy, high ranking, honorable?”

The reality is that we see people through a lens. Subconsciously and quickly, we decide if this is a person “worthy” of respect, “high ranking” enough for our time, “honorable” enough for our investment. This is a huge problem.

The Bible says, “whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for My sake will find it (Matt 10:39).” This is Jesus speaking, giving an appropriate warning concerning valuing anything of this world more than relationship with Him. If I am so caught up in the things of this world and my identity is so found in it, I cannot and will not live for Christ.

My dignity will cost me my freedom. My dignity will keep me from seeing value in people. My dignity will keep me from humbling myself before a holy God. Everyone must lose their dignity in order to truly know God as Father, Lord, Savior, Master, Ruler, Redeemer, Creator.

We must lose our right to be honored.

We must lose our high rank.

We must lose the worthiness and glory.

We must cast off the crowns to truly see who He is.

When we see God for who He truly is our perception of ourselves and others will change and true transformation happens.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and it has encouraged you!

When Feeling 22 Doesn’t Feel So Good

If we’re honest, we’re not always excited about our birthday. For me, I begin contemplating deep, existential questions that ultimately ruin the experience. This is unlike my sister who made a big deal out of every birthday, particularly when moving into the double digits (10).When we were growing up, she was always so obsessed with turning a year older.

I’m a year and a half older than she is (this is important). Every birthday she would always ask me, without fail, “Darveiye, how does it feel to be ___?” My sarcastic reply was always along the lines of, “The same way it felt a few hours ago.”

I’m 24 now and something changed this year. In fact, something has changed my last few birthdays. I felt it. Big time. I felt older. This overwhelming weight of new (invisible) responsibilities hit me like a ton of bricks. I began thinking I should be further than I am, more mature, more fill in the blank. It took encouragement from family and friends to help calm me down and change my perspective.

Many of us need some encouragement and perspective shifts. So I took the liberty of giving you some things to ask and think about at your next juncture. Feel free to ask these questions to your friends and family. Maybe things aren’t as bad as you think they are.

Questions:

What are five things are you most proud of up until this point?

I had a close friend ask me this late summer of 2013. It was not my birthday, but we were getting to know each other beyond what we thought we knew. This question is multifaceted. My answer to it showed me what I valued, it eased my mind as far as the failures I’ve had, and made me hopeful concerning my capacity to do well. I believe this is such an important question to ask someone because I think we spend too much time focusing on failures. The idea is to help a person see through their OWN eyes where they’ve done some good and had fulfillment.

What are your three biggest regrets of last year?

Periodically asking ourselves this question is important because a lot of times we find there are things we regret but never deal with the residual ‘stuff.’ If I can identify what I regret or could have done better, I have simultaneously discovered an area for growth and goals.

How have you been too hard on yourself?

We are our worst critics. Enough said.

How did you give yourself more grace when you failed?

Many people will answer this question with, “I didn’t” or “I gave myself too much.” This is important because people will learn so much about their perspective just from their answer to this question.

What unhealthy things do you think you need to cut out of your life? What healthy things will you add this year?

Let’s be honest. We don’t always commit to the good things we planned to do. We don’t always drop those bad habits like we should. Let’s identify it and get a direction. Additionally, this provides some accountability for those goals!

What gift do you plan to give the world with this year?

Oftentimes, we wait until New Year’s Eve to declare goals. Let’s step out of the norm. If we realize we can set goals any day of the year to fulfill whenever, we have a different motivation. The pressure of “new year, new me” is enormous. Everyone decides what they want to change and you feel as though everyone is watching to see if you fulfill it. Depending on the person, that is a good or bad thing. Let’s not become so consumed with what to do but who we are becoming.

What matters more to you now than before?

This is in tandem with the first question. Give them an opportunity to see their growth and values. Sometimes they will find there are many things to be changed or many things have already changed. Also, we get so caught up in what people think of the progression of our lives. Figure out what YOU think about the progression of your life.

Statements:

“I am so proud of you because…”

If they truly are your friend and you theirs, your opinion matters to them. Show them you approve of SOMETHING they do or who they’re becoming.

“You know what I love about you..”

This is in company with the first statement. This is a bit more in depth, I think. Let it all out! Tell them what you love about them not why you love them. Love that is conditional is not love at all. Keep the focus on them, not you.

“You know what people love about you..”

You’re a friend, clearly. They subconsciously think you’re supposed to love certain things about them. To add what people outside of your intimate friendship think can be highly beneficial.

“The world would be different without you because…”

Show them they matter. You know your friends well. However, friends don’t always come to each other or anyone when they’re DEEP in trouble; when they’re depressed or have suicidal thoughts. In fact, many don’t realize the severity of their own situation until they’re quite far into it. Remind them you are a safe place when they’re at their best and their worst.

“You’ve changed in the very best way…”

The questions are to help THEM see how they’ve grown, developed, and can improve. Your statements are to reinforce the positive and confirm that change needs to be made. Be kind. Be real. Be authentic. Be a friend.

If it’s your birthday, ask yourself these questions. Hey, even make those statements to yourself! You are important and don’t you forget it!

HBD!