Am I Done Pretending?

I’ve always known I wasn’t the most feminine woman. I had a deeper voice, didn’t like carrying purses, wasn’t the neatest, and didn’t like pink; so, this inevitably meant I just wasn’t fem. I’m cringing thinking about it!

I had a very surface-level idea of what femininity is. With this shallow understanding, I overcompensated by trying to talk softer, seem less alarming, smile, be agreeable (to a fault), and market myself as a highly domesticated woman. This overcompensation is evidence of a few things I’d like to explore in this blog.

Today, my understanding has moved (thankfully) far away from the surface and is increasing as I explore the depths and wonders of this enchanting energy I possess. Truth is, I wasn’t super feminine and overcompensated like a @%!*#, but the why is just as important as the what.

I did not know who I was.

I knew who or what I wanted to be and always found a deep deficit in those spaces. So, I set out to prove I was something I wasn’t. One way of saying I didn’t know who I was is to say I was missing information. Part of a woman being able to live from her feminine energy is having had a father that stood confidently in his masculine. This dynamic provides information that I received in part.

I was protecting myself.

In protecting myself, I subconsciously activated very masculine energy. Masculine energy strives, wrestles, protects. I didn’t want people to see how underdeveloped I was, so I tried to protect it while it was still in development. Because I was striving, I also repelled potential bodies to meet my femininity with masculinity. Additionally, the feminine energy in me could not truly flourish because the masculine had taken over.

I did not know my value.

I craved for someone to see my value. I’d go above and beyond to make my value known. This brought short spurts of validation. This only sent me further down a path of finding quick fixes for realizing my value. It all becomes about keeping up appearances. Living for appearances is incredibly unfulfilling because the standard is always changing.

Aside: This is what I think is the problem with society as a whole. There is no standard. This produces disorder, anxiety, and a wealth of mental health issues. But, that’s a blog for a different day.

I did not know light.

God is light. Light is the standard. It is the only source of truth and power. I thought I knew this truth, but I didn’t.

I grew up aligning myself to Christian beliefs or standards which on the surface seemed to have had a good grasp of the masculine-feminine dynamic; but, they were surface-level, too!

Many Christians are living this way, today. They have created their own “whats” and “whys.” They’ve created “laws,” so to speak, to make simple a deep enriching aspect of life. Men always ____. Woman always ____. On a certain level, it is validating once you’ve mastered these “laws.” It makes you feel like you’re on the right track.

Being on the right track, most often, doesn’t feel like being on the right track. [Insert ironic laugh here*] When we create laws where there are none, it cuts off the opportunity to experience the many facets of life. Many people who have lived like this have merely found satisfaction in the validation that has come from someone else noticing that they’ve perfected these “laws.” What good is perfection when you’ve looked upon the wrong thing as the standard?

This was Yeshua’s issue with the Pharisees. It is not that they followed laws, it’s that they created their own. While they were perfect in their own law, they no longer looked to Light to define what was or was not.

Follow me, for a moment. When we are not presented with the perfect picture (light), we are forced to find things in reach for our best attempt at a perfect picture.

So, we collect our leaves, sew them together, and walk the runway of life. Everyone’s looking on. We put up strobes and spotlights that illuminate the garments we’ve used to keep ourselves hidden.

True light has a way of coming in and challenging the fabric of our garments. If we sit still long enough, Light will slowly and gently singe the fig leaves and we’ll be naked before the One who made us.

In Christianity, I’d never experienced true challenge (having light reflected on me). It’s not a part of the culture. First, a person that truly challenges, does so from vulnerability and the fruit of having already been challenged.

In Christianity, people don’t challenge others because they are afraid of it being returned. They are afraid, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable with the vulnerability that comes with being on the receiving end. So, we don’t challenge.

Instead, I’ll validate your fig leaves and you’ll validate mine and we never get to truly know God. We’ll make gods of ourselves. We’ll designate a select few (pastors, ministers, etc.) who are allowed to examine and challenge but will call the return of that ‘rebellion.’ We create our own laws and standards and congratulate ourselves on our obedience. But what about the true standard?

How healthy are we if our fashion and figures of speech are us pretending? What’s wrong with saying you don’t know the standard? Why make it up? Why create your own traditions? Why create your own definitions for what YAH has already defined?

We pretend because we don’t trust. We don’t trust because our environments have taught us it is unsafe to be vulnerable. Our environments have indirectly taught us conditional love. But, in order to know the standard, we will have to be vulnerable. It becomes a lot easier when we learn that YAH makes Himself vulnerable with us before He ever requires that of us.

So, in my journey the past few years, I’ve been learning to present myself to YAH without fig leaves—no pretending, no protecting. I don’t have to pretend.

You don’t have to have it together for Him to be pleased with you. He is pleased when we are vulnerable with Him. I’d ask you to examine your life and discover where you are hiding parts of yourself to the people around you. Where are you performing for those around you? What image are you constantly trying to portray?

The question is am I done pretending? Am I done seeing YAH as someone to protect myself against? Am I done needing the things I’ve used to fill voids? Am I willing to let Him fill those spaces?

Author: Darveiye

One of the most foolish yet sensible things a human can do is to believe that YHWH is real. Follow my blog: @sensiblefool

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