It’s about that time. We see it almost every day. Log into Facebook and you’re bound to see it SOMEWHERE on your timeline. “So-and-so is in a relationship with So-and-so.” Sometimes you catch yourself thinking ‘how could THEY possibly be in a relationship’ and not you. I mean, “I’m good looking right? I’m funny too! I’m smart!”
It’s no secret you want to be in a relationship. You probably feel you DESERVE to be in one. Maybe you do. But before you take that plunge, let’s examine why you’re having a hard time being single.
As I tell people all the time, a lot of the time, it’s not about WHAT you feel but WHY you feel it. Here are some reasons you may hate being single and shouldn’t.
- You hate being alone.
I don’t know about you, but many of my friends have expressed this sentiment. While I am more than okay with being “alone” physically, I feel the effects from time to time. Aside from the fact that many of us are extroverts(people who get energy from being around people), we hate being alone because we don’t trust ourselves with our own thoughts. Being alone requires us to deal with our issues. The issues aren’t always deep. Even the small ones can seem like a drag to deal with. We want someone to help distract us from it all.
What you need to do: Practice being alone and content. Be honest with yourself about YOU. Deal with those issues. Being in a relationship will not magically make them disappear. It will only amplify them. Deal with it now.
- You focus on what you don’t have.
Have you ever uttered, “at least you have someone.” I know I have. We place romantic relationships on such a ridiculously high pedestal. What we’re really saying is, “nothing in your life is really THAT bad, because you have someone.” This is far more insensitive and naïve than we realize. We forget what being in a relationship requires of us and what singleness allows. A relationship is a priority and requires WORK. Singleness requires work, but of a different kind.
If you can’t think of any good things afforded through singleness, allow me to assist you. When you are single, you have freedom to come and go as you please. You (mostly) have only your issues to navigate through. There is even an emotional freedom. You don’t have someone else’s actions dictating your emotions. THAT’S freedom. These are just a few of the things being single allows. There are many more and I’m sure if you thought about it, you’d find many more.
Unfortunately, we approach singleness as a “purgatory” before we reach our eternal destination. It’s no wonder any of us can truly enjoy our singleness. We’re always WAITING for life to begin as though life cannot be found before or outside of marriage (relationships). This leads me to my final reason.
- You’re not whole.
There is no reason to be ashamed of the past and the baggage you may have picked up in the process. We’ve all got a story. However, please understand, until you are WHOLE, you are not much good to anyone.
Wholeness is a condition in which one is healthily self-sufficient and uses relationships properly for their good and the good of others. Many of us know we’re not whole. Instead of going through the tough process of searching our hearts for fears, doubts, anxieties, trust issues, we look to another to fill in gaps created from previous hurts.
Why is this a problem? It’s a simple principle.
50% plus 50% equals 0%.
How can this be Darveiye? What type of math are you working with? According to relationship math, that’s how it works.
If you and the person you are with are not whole (i.e. 50%), one person has to be completely poured out in order for the other to reach 100%. You’re only as good as your weakest link. The person who has to pour EVERYTHING out for the sake of the other will develop animosities, false identity, and neglect self-care. This will ultimately ruin the relationship or allow the two of you to maintain a dysfunctional relationship. Either way, it’s ‘no bueno’ from here.
What’s the right math? 100% plus 100% equals 100%.
If both of you have reached a state of wholeness, you can properly assist each other in improving and fulfilling your individual and collective purposes.
REMEDY: Wait. Be whole. However, take the proper steps in figuring out how you can be a healthy individual WITH or WITHOUT a relationship. Singleness isn’t a punishment, but a gift. An opportunity to blossom and KNOW yourself! We don’t know how much of a blessing that is until we watch our identity slowly slipping away into the hands of a relationship. So enjoy where you are now for however long you’re there!
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and I hope it helps!